Not Safe for Zoos

The following is a forum post from 2009 by myself – it was a forum game of Secret Santa where the participants had to buy each other the worst game they could, then write about it, and this was my entry. I’m sticking it here purely to have it saved somewhere – the forum it was originally hosted on has since had a complete wipe etc, and I thought I may as well have it stored somewhere, before it disappears completely in the future. Big thanks to all of Sekrit Forum especially users Skippy (who sent me the game) and Mike Cook.

Usual caveats: 2009, not really a published piece and originally intended just for a forum with friends etc. Click images for embiggening, where appropriate.

T’wasn’t the night before Christmas. And all through the house, not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse. Luckily, my Santa decided to change that when this landed in my inbox:

What ever could this be? Turns out, ItsAZoo!

Here’s the blurb on the ‘back of the box’, if it had a box:

Crafted especially for early-readers, the game play is designed to provide a new way for children to practice reading and creative problem solving skills. New methods to engage children in learning, discovered during a multi-year research project conducted by Microsoft Corporation, are fused into the game’s design, yielding a unique experience that enhances self-confidence and encourages fun and learning. The game provides a totally unique experience every time it is played. Since the environment is created through each player’s personal drawings, the possibilities are as endless and fantastic as your child’s imagination.

Oh dear, Sabi games. I think you underestimate just how childish my imagination can be… TO THE GAMEMOBILE!

So starting it up with some trepidation, the first place I head is to the options screen. After of course being terrified by the sound of children stating everything I hover over in the sort of voice you’d expect from Alma before she explodes your head. “NEW GAAAAME.” “OPTIONS!”

However, the game is almost immediately redeemed by the best option EVER:

But for some inexplicable reason, I can’t have both coolness AND awesomeness turned on. WHY SABI GAMES? WILL IT CREATE A BLACK HOLE OF AWESOME DESTROYING THE UNIVERSE? That had better be the excuse. OR ELSE. Anyway, starting the game itself, I am presented with a message:

HOLY SWEET JESUS IT’S A MOTHERFUCKING LI…oh, the lion wants to meet me? Right. We may be alright then. And thus starts the opening level, where the Lion is in an empty zoo:

The first thing the lion asks me to draw for him is a house. I’m not going to argue, because he’s a fucking lion, and might eat me. Still, I want to give him a special house he – and the game – won’t forget.

Fuck you Lion, you’re never fucking happy. Fine. I shall bow to your whims and redraw the cockhouse with a door and window:

Much better. In fact, he likes it so much, he has an extra request.

Of course I can you proud, slightly perverted, Lion you!

Good, he seems pleased with that. Maybe a little too pleased. Let’s back away slowly from him. DON’T LOOK IN HIS EYES HE HAS NO SOUL.

In fact, word of my great Picasso-like skills of crafting crap from mid air seems to be spreading around the zoo – I may have to call on my fellow Sekriteers suggestions for the next few puzzles…

Sadly I never did because I am a terrible person who is pretty awful at committing to my own personal projects. Which you probably already know if you read my blog on a regular basis. STILL!