For many, Feb 14th is a day that can generate a lot of negative emotion, but of course going around snipping the heads from flowers on tables and restaurants or setting fire to happy couples in the street many other activities that you’d like to do just aren’t very practical. But don’t worry, I’m here to show both you guys and the girls this year’s top five ways to spend Aching Solitude Awareness Day in ways which won’t get you funny looks, jail time or a restraining order.*

*Not a guarantee. Neither Ben Borthwick nor Double You Tee take any responsibility for any arson attacks or other acts of bitter rage that may occur even after undertaking the recommended actions resulting in a prison sentence, fine or other punishment including but not limited to social exclusion. Neither party can also be held responsible for consequences arising if you undertake these actions while in a healthy relationship.

Dead Space 2

What better way to spend Feb 14th than relating to the tale of that old romantic Issac Clarke? After surviving an attack from horrific corpses and his deceased girlfriend, you can help him while away the lonely evenings surgically removing the limbs of unspeakable grotesque horrors of monsters that at one time resembled something human. Better yet if you’re looking for a way to remove any feelings of broodiness from dead or former relationships, those exploding babies and mutated toddlers trying to remove your face are just a fantastic way to spend an evening. For added catharsis, pretend the last horrific mutant you killed was a spurned love or former flame and go crazy with the stomp button. So what if the limbs are already gone and your boot print is now permanently embedded into the steelwork floor of the Sprawl? If Issac’s still breathin, he’s still stompin’.

The Sims

Always a good one – create a facsimile of those disgusting couples walking hand in hand down the street and then proceed to make their lives a living hell. Remove toilets, give them a swimming pool, neglect their children enough so Social Services come and take them away. YOU ARE GOD. AND THEY WILL BOW DOWN TO YOUR EVERY WHIM. And remember, a cooking skill is worth only a tenth of the warmth and comfort that a high clumsiness rating can bring to a room with no exits and an oven. Sweet, chargrilled bliss. Also bonus points if you manage to get the ghost of the newly departed Sim to torment the widow.

Mass Effect

Does punching people in this game ever get old?

No, no it does not.

Rock Band/Guitar Hero

Take a set of drums, print out some pictures of happy couples or spurned loves, greetings cards or generally anything you hate about the day and tape one over each drum head. Then, pick a song like Run to the Hills or anything particularly shouty in the rock or metal genre, before turning No Fail on. Then, feel free to go to town, safe in the knowledge that as long as you have the volume high enough, people will just assume you’re rocking out and have no idea of the bitter tears of sadness dripping onto the drumsticks and falling heavily onto the footpedal below.

Make a list feature on your blog with the five best/worst Anti-Valentines things you can think of as an unsubtle way of reflecting th…

…wha? I mean… er…SHUTUPGOAWAY!

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