Courtesy of RKiver from the PCGF, here is the Gamer’s version of that last post. I arfled.

Ladies and gentlemen of the Internet: Eat Skittles.

If I could offer you only one tip for the future, eating Skittles would be it.
The short term benefits of skittles have been proved by many a frag fest, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience. I will dispense this advice now.

Enjoy the power and beauty of your rig. Oh, never mind. You will not understand the power and beauty of your rig until it’s been updated. But trust me, in 20 years, you’ll look back at the specs of your rig and recall in a way you can’t grasp now how much power lay before you and how fabulous it let really was.

You are not as leet as you imagine. Don’t worry about the upgrading. Or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to frag a wallhacking pussy in CS.
The real troubles in your game are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind, the kind that blindside you at 4 am on some idle Saturday fragfest.

Do one level in a game every day that scares you.
LAN.
Don’t be reckless with other people’s health.
Don’t put up with people who teamkill.
Defrag.

Don’t waste your time on rig jealousy. Sometimes you’ve got the leet rig, sometimes you’re lagging behind. The race is long and, in the end, it’s only the best who win.
Remember ggs you receive. Forget the omgfag. If you succeed in doing this, /msg me .

Keep your old cyber sex logs. Throw away your old irc logs.
Clean your registry.
Don’t feel guilty if you don’t know what to do in a game. The most interesting people I know were newbs too when they first started. Some of the best players still don’t know everything.
Get plenty of caffeine. Be kind to your ass. You need to spend long hours sitting on it when gaming.

Maybe you’ll cyber, maybe you won’t. Maybe you’ll have actual sex, maybe you won’t. Maybe you’ll marry in Everquest at level 40, maybe you’ll dance the funky chicken on your 75 level. Whatever you do, don’t congratulate yourself too much, or berate yourself either. Enough people will congratulate your or slag you off anyway.

Enjoy your avatar. Use it every way you can. Don’t be afraid of it or of what other people think of it. It’s the greatest avatar you’ll ever own.
/Dance, even if you have nowhere to do it but your own MMORPG.
RTFM, even if you don’t follow them.

Do not read cheat mags. They will only make you feel rubbish.
Suck up to your parents. They probably pay your ISP.
Lock out your siblings. They will leech your bandwidth and infect your computer.
Understand that team mates come and go, but with a precious clan mates you should hold on.

Realise online distance, race and religion really mean nothing. Skype and TS FTW.
Go to E3 once, but leave before it makes you explode. Live in Sweeden once, but leave before you think 25MB broadband is the norm.
Instant message.
Accept certain inalienable truths: Broadband will improve, isps will still rip you off, and some companies will always have caps.
You, too, will become a vet. And when you do, you’ll remember when you were a newb and respectful to vets, and wonder why newbs now aren’t.

Respect your clan leaders.
Don’t expect anyone else bar your clan to support you.
Maybe you’ll have a win some isk. Maybe you’ll have a wealthy partner. But you never know when either one might log out.
Don’t mess too much with your avatar or by the time you’re level 40 everyone else will be 60
Be careful whose loot you buy, but be thankful with those who supply it. Advice is a form of leet. Dispensing it is a way of showing how leet you are.

But trust me on the Skittles.

Obviously most people probably won’t understand the humor in this. Tough. Elitism FTW.

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2 Responses to And Now, The Gamer’s Version

  1. FinalSin says:

    The Skittles thing is such a close in-joke. -sighs happily-

  2. Miles says:

    Best. Post. EVER.

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