It may look harmless. All very proud of itself with it’s rotundity – being only eleven away from that most glorious of numbers, the fabled 100 (which most scientists agree, does not actually exist) and at least eight six – possibly, analysts predict, maybe even as much eighty-eight numbers away from zero. But behind it’s jolly exterior lies a terrible, horrifying secret. Eighty-Nine, 89. Eighty nine. However you write it, it’s clear that it’s one of the most evil numbers in history.

Let’s look at the facts:

It also resembles two figures kissing. ANOTHER SIN.

Lets look at the number itself. Made up of an eight and a nine. The eight, a plump round figure. A shape which resembles an idea of being overweight and fat. And as we all know, Gluttony is one of the seven deadly sins. How evil must this number be to remind us of such a trait? It doesn’t stop there – the number is two black, empty holes on top of each other. Like infinity and the endless nothingness of two black holes. Obviously, as we all know only those of the most purest evil live for infinity – the good die young, after all – and what does the number eight resemble when turned on it’s side? The evidence speaks for itself:

When will this MADNESS end?

Then there’s the nine:

We have ninty-nine problems with you, Nine.

Although it seems like it has good intentions, after all – the mighty 90 is compromised of this number and as we all know, anything with 90 cannot possibly have any faults that truly matter – the number nine holds a terrible secret. Try as it might, it cannot hide it’s tail. THE TAIL OF SATAN HIMSELF. And again, it borrows the empty black holes represented by the demon number eight. These two numbers together give us three black holes – three, the trinity – a number long held in reverence by those who worship the occult, but none more so than the SHOCKING TRUTH when we turn the number upside down and repeat it, yes – you guessed it, THREE times…

Hide your kids. HIDE YOUR WIFE.

Indeed the number can only have been formed by the Devil himself.

Then there’s the other evidence – look what happened last time the world met with the fate of having the number 89 in the year – the Tiananmen Square massacre, the Hillsbrough disaster. Just looking at history confirms that eighty nine had it out for the human race, eager to kill us all off. It was also a terrible, terrible year for entertainment – the end of the original Doctor Who and the sad departure of John Craven from the programme Newsround, marking the downfall in having our children brought up properly. Let’s also not forget the evils of the Sega Genesis and the Nintendo Game Boy which threatened to warp the minds of our children in this post -Craven world and bring about the devastation of society – it’s no coincidence that these consoles were both released in 1989.

So what can you do about this menace of a number? Stop using it. It must be crushed beneath our boot of righteousness, it cannot know we are afraid of it. If it is ever used, you must do everything in your power to show that you will not stand to see it’s usage in anything, from page numbers, to catalogues to, say, review scores from popular PC gaming magazines. We will stop the menace of this evil, horrible number together and eventually one day we might be able to just skip straight to 90. For the sake of our children.

And if you want any more proof that this number is evil, take a look at this horrifying video of a song that was released in ’89 – but only if you are strong of stomach and not easily offended:

Don’t have nightmares.

    …Or “perhaps some people could come to terms with the fact 89 is not, in fact, a bad score.”

5 Responses to Eighty Nine – The Most Evil Number in the World

  1. klatu says:

    That is seriously mental, but then again I’ve aways had problems with 8, also all hail the Richard Cobbett man.

  2. Meriwether Scriven says:

    Thid is hilarious. I especially like the Dr. Who example.

  3. Lover of 89 says:

    you sir are fucking retarded. That is so hillarious i love my gameboy lmao i tell ya what just for you cause your such an idiot and so full of shit and lies im gonna do you a favor. I work in the oil fields of ND so i wear a hardhat all the time, Im gonn put the number 89 yes 89 the number eighty-nine on my hard hat 89 yup thats what ill do it just became my new favorite number thats 89 in big bold fucking stickers you dumb fuck. Just for you jackass. 89 all the way

  4. Richard George says:

    I play a game called evony, We named our alliance 89 in honor of your satire.. and yes we are the most evil alliance.

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