Tetris is a very disappointing game. From the outside, it seems to promise the best game ever, with thrills, spills and excitement on levels that people on high market drugs could not claim to experience. The reality is far, far bleaker and much more of a let down.

Tetris Cover Art
FACT: The funnest thing to ever come out of Russia was Rasputin.

The impression from the box art gives the player the feeling that they will be risking their very survival dodging blocks falling from the sky while battling it out amongst other relentless evil blocks willing to destroy your hard work. Turns out there is no first person mode here. Heck, there isn’t even a gun to the right of your screen. The lack of health and ammunition is also another factor on this rather dull game, and instead you find yourself trying to do something as mediocre as trying to arrange the blocks into lines like some sort of diligent office worker.

Games like Portal have shown us what puzzle games can do, and the lack of GLaDOS, turrets or even a hint of cake or clever metagame writing are further blights upon this sadly wasted potential of a masterpiece. When you think of all the things that could have been implimented such as co-op play, respawning bad guys, heck, you’re even hard pressed to find any sort of physics here, other than the usual staple of gravity. I wanted to see some form of spark and innovation, but instead the only goals the game seems to impose on you is a high score table, and perhaps to keep the screen looking tidy.

So overall then, Tetris is an epic failure. It’s such a shame to see what could have been a fantastic first person shooter become just another collecting and sorting game that we’ve seen a hundred times before. I couldn’t imagine why anyone would prefer Tetris to Portal or Team Fortress 2.

But at least there isn’t any DRM, and for that it gets:
12%

This review inspired by IGN

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5 Responses to Review: Tetris

  1. The_B says:

    Yes I did, I tinkled all over this review.

  2. yxxxx says:

    My god that ign review must be the worst written review I have ever read.

    This line shows that he doesnt even know what he is talking about.
    “I couldn’t imagine why anybody would prefer Worldwide Soccer Manager to FIFA 09 or Pro Evolution Soccer 2009.”

    Love the tetris review.

  3. The_B says:

    I like to think it’s his truly greatest masterstroke of genius. I mean, if it’s this bad, it has to be good. Or Art.

    …right?

  4. Jazmeister says:

    Funny, but chillingly indicative of the weak among our number. Did you ever hear that thing about the guys making “Like, a sci-fi version of bioshock. But it’ll be set in space! On a space ship, with a terrifying AI like GLaDOS.”

    …?

    Saved the grammar there.

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